Time for some McSweeny's

THE BALLAD
OF MATT HARRIGON,
PINEWOOD DERBY
WINNER.

Who does he think he is, Matt Harrigon, with his pants all fancy, and his fancypants dad and that jigsaw and that band saw and the sander saw or whatever he calls it? If my dad did all that wood stuff, then I'd win every year too, no problem, easy-peasy, just like, hey, look at me, I'm Matt Harrigon.
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Then my dad puts his hand on my shoulder, his hand that never used a band saw, a jigsaw, a sander saw (or whatever), never touched one in his life, and my dad says, "See? That's what happens when you touch yourself. Down there."