Some McSweeney's

REJECTED AMERICA'S
FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS
SUBMISSIONS, AS LOGGED
BY JUNIOR PRODUCTION
ASSISTANT INTERN
KENNETH POLK.
BY ANDREW KIRALY

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AFV100004: Jack Russell terrier, when whining for a treat, uncannily sounds like he's saying, "The Maldives were positively splendid this year, save for a certain insolence taking hold among the servants."

AFV444871: Infant's eerily steady, unblinking gaze suggests forbidden knowledge of the ancients.

AFV433761: Angry goose chases terrified child; child stops running after momentous realization that his fears are quite groundless. Child turns upon goose and consumes it in a primal orgy of Neanderthal bloodlust.

AFV568722: Rather than looking cuter, kitten outfitted with party hat takes on expression of deep, intractable woe.

AFV900087: Bouquet toss at wedding results in good-natured tussle, which is abruptly ended by devastating roundhouse kick to a bridesmaid's sternum.

AFV000488: American woman's tumble during limbo party on Jamaican getaway inspires brand of laughter in natives that betrays intense derision, contempt, and distrust of our ways.

AFV211091: Dog can walk on hind legs; elderly woman next to dog, not so much.

AFV564828: Iguana wearing sombrero fails to fulfill true comic potential.

AFV488820: Young teen studying math textbook at kitchen table told about the concept of infinity by father holding camera; teen visibly slips into state of depressed bewilderment as his conception of time, reality, and the nature of the universe violently changes before our very eyes.

AFV712940: Fifteen minutes of still footage of washing machine. Strongest theory to date is that a man inside the washing machine is waiting to emerge in order to surprise girlfriend with marriage proposal.